Heart Melted

Just like art, my journey into motherhood was not planned.  

 

At my first sonogram visit, the memory of falling in love with that blinking rice grain on the screen overwhelmed me. Feeling honored that this little being had chosen me as its host was so beautiful. Before this, I had no interest in being a mother. My plan was ‘to take over the world as an interior designer’, but we are never really in charge of our plans, are we? 

 

From the time she understood that he was her older brother, she began looking out for him. Which seemed strange to me, because she was younger. In return, he always wanted her to play with him. According to him, she was hands down the best Thomas the Train partner he could have. They looked out for each other; one would ‘light up’ when the other one came in the room. They said “good morning” to each other. From their birth to about 7 years old, life with children was good. I even had the nerve to feel smug…

 

 

They grew old enough to understand they could get each other into trouble. And then some evil person showed them how to annoy each other - continuously and loudly; so much so that in turn, they would annoy me. Their bickering became incessant, infamous even. Taking them outside of the house became a liability.  I was anxious when we would go out because something was always wrong.  “She looked at me!” or “He was breathing too loud!”, “She got more potato chips than I did”, or “He watched a show that was 45 minutes instead of 30”! 

 

On and on it went. For a few years…

 

And then they became tweens.  Him 14, her 11. And they began to look out for each other, again. I became the odd ball. My music sucked, I said cringy things and my clothes were not the right ‘fit’ (and not fit as in fitting my body properly, fit as in cool) - “Yo, moms, you're not going out of the house in that are you? You'll mess up my aura, man…”. 

 

They compared music, encouraged each other with outfit ‘fits’, and talked about their days at middle school and high school. He began to stick up for her and quietly monitor her well being. She silently rooted for him to do well in math to get his first cell phone and made sure he got it. I was about to feel  left out of their developing clique when I realized what was happening.  

 

They were becoming friends again. They were beginning to enjoy each others' company, again. Yes, they would still annoy each other, but it was so much less than before. 

 

He's now 15, she's 12. They're still friends. 

 

Witnessing them grow, mature and become friends this past year has been the thing that has melted my heart. 

 

In our co-parenting relationship, my kids regularly go back and forth - an unfortunate and unnatural side effect of divorce on kids, but “…you two are always together”, I tell them. I always pray that their relationship is strong and loving. The season of bickering was rough, heartbreaking even, but just like life I am seeing the rhythms. These are the cycles. 

 

We are in a good season.